(FANFARE PLAYS)
(MUSIC: "FLIGHT OF THE VALKYRIES" BY WAGNER)
NARRATOR: Once in every decade comes a motion picture milestone.
More spine-chilling than "The White Heather Club",.
More brutal than "Sanctuary".
More confusing than "Christopher Mousejournal Meets the Tweezer People".
Co-starring, dusky tigress, Marty Feldman
as winsome child mobster Baby-face Lipsalve
and snake-hipped stoat-groined Graham Chapman
as rival gang boss, Diamond Albert Nosefetsh.
They give a whole new meaning to the word "yeurgh".
Quit stalling, Diamond.
When did Prussia first acquire the hegemony of the North Germanic Confederation?
- 1866. - (DRAMATIC CHORD SOUNDS)
Correct.
What is the angle of the plain of movement
of the two outer and brighter of the four main satellites
of Uranus with the elliptic?
Eighty-two degrees.
- (DRAMATIC CHORD PLAYS) - Correct.
What is the square root of 7,974?
Eighty-nine point three.
- (DRAMATIC CHORD PLAYS) - Correct.
Alright, Diamond, I don't wanna do this
- but I'm gonna kill ya. - Why?
You know too much!
(MACHINE GUN BUZZES)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
NARRATOR: At Last The 1948 Show!
- Hello, I'm the lovely... - JOHN CLEESE: Get in the cake!
Do what, darling?
JOHN CLEESE: Get into the cake!
Oh...
Hello, I'm the lovely Aimi... Oh!
Oh, sorry, but I'm stuck!
Anyway, I'm the lovely Aimi MacDonald
and it's not my day, really.
But I'd better introduce the show.
Ladies and gentlemen, the show.
- Help! - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Uh, those are fine. How much are they?
- Thirty-nine and eleven, sir. - Oh, good. Well, I'll take one.
- Just one? - Yes.
Oh, my God! Does it have to be just one?
- Well, I only need one. - Right...
Just the one shirt it is, then.
Just the one... oh, my God!
(HE SOBS)
Is anything the matter?
Couldn't you buy more than one shirt? Two shirts, please? Otherwise I'm finished.
- Finished? - Yes, finished!
I don't sell enough shirts. Unless I do better, I'm going to be fired.
My wife's just left me and without her I've got nothing to live for.
And now I'm going to lose my job!
Unless I sell more shirts!
Please! Buy more shirts!
My... My dear fellow... um...
- Really... - I'm... I'm sorry.
That was inexcusable. I don't know what came over me.
I'm alright now.
- Just the one shirt it is then, sir. - Yes.
- Oh, my God. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
No, no, no, no. I do need more than one, really.
That's very kind, but you just asked for one shirt.
Oh, no, no, but that's silly, just popping in here
to buy one silly little shirt, no, no.
No, I need half a dozen, really.
Thank you, but you're just trying to be kind.
Good heavens no, no, no. I really need half a dozen.
I couldn't ask you to. Not after I broke down, just now.
- Oh... - Broke down!
Call that breaking down, good heavens!
You should see the way we carry on at the bank.
(HE SCOFFS)
I mean, some people... well, the average person wouldn't have noticed you just now.
It's just that I've trained myself to be a little extra observant.
Nobody's ever been this kind to me before.
Thank you!
Is someone serving you, sir?
Um, yes... and splendidly, too.
- Young Fillet? Fair-haired boy, this tall? - Uh, yes.
- He didn't break down again, did he? - No. No, no, no, good heavens, no.
He seemed a teeny little bit upset.
- His wife left him. - Yes.
You know?
- Yes. - I see.
It's not often that people...
- understand. - Oh...
it's not easy in this shop, you know.
The owner's a pretty hard man.
I'm...
- sorry. - Thank you.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You know...
there's something unusual about you.
Oh, I...
- I only came in to buy a shirt. - Yes.
But you understand.
Are those the shirts for this gentleman, Fillet?
Yes, sir.
(HE MOUTHS)
I think I know what I can do to express my gratitude.
Rogers?
- Yes, sir? - Rogers, get the silk shirts.
- Which ones, sir? - The silk shirts.
- Not the silk shirts, sir? - Yes.
- But, sir... - You heard what I said, Rogers.
- But they're the Duke of Walton's, sir! - I know that. Get them!
But he's coming to get them this afternoon, sir.
- Get them! - Well, what will we tell his Grace, sir?
We'll just have to say they're not ready yet.
You bloody fool, you'll get us all the sack!
- Get them! - Yes!
Get them Rogers, I've had enough of this place!
- Good man, Fillet. - I'm not taking any more of it!
Neither am I! I just want to help this gentleman
and then I'm going to walk out of this hell hole with my head held high.
Yes, sir. Yes, yes, yes!
Put them here, Rogers.
You can't do this, Fenton.
Can't I? And who's going to stop me?
- I am. - You are?
Yes, Fenton, you're mad. You can't let him have these!
Give those shirts to me!
- No! - Right!
- I'm coming to get them. - No, please, please!
This is a good man, Rogers
and I'm going to help him if it's the one decent thing I've ever done.
It's not too late to start a new life.
These are your shirts, sir.
- Please. - They're very nice, but...
Don't thank me.
Today, you taught me something.
Uh... how...
how much are they?
How much?
(HE LAUGHS)
Ten... No, five pounds each.
- What does it matter, now? - ROGERS: Five pounds?
You can't let him have those shirts for five pounds!
- They're thirty guinea shirts! - Shut up!
You'll have us all put in prison!
I don't care!
There you are, take them.
And you know something?
I'm glad.
Glad, do you hear me?
Glad!
- Yes, but, but, but thirty pounds... - Please.
Accept them.
Yes, please.
Money, oh...
Goodbye.
- And thanks. - Yes.
Thanks.
Thank you...
- for the shirts. - Thank you...
for everything.
(DOOR CLOSES)
ALL SING: # We sold the shirts! #
Some people have complained that this show is not satirical.
So the lovely Aimi MacDonald is going to be hard-hitting and outspoken
and prick the sacred cows of British pomposity.
Here goes, ahem.
Mr Heath's got a glass leg.
(SHE GIGGLES)
Next week, Mr Wilson's legs.
NARRATOR: Now it's time for Britain's new number one quiz show
"Have a Double Your Golden Jackpot"
and here's your genial master of ceremonies
Nosmo Claphanger!
(APPLAUSE)
Hello, well, we're all set for another half hour of fun and embarrassment.
And tonight we're in the town hall of the famous old city of Gooley
before our usual audience.
It's a pity we can't get the cameras on them
so that all of you at home could have a good laugh.
- Who's an ugly audience? - AUDIENCE: We are!
Right, well let's have the first greedy old couple who think they can outsmart me.
NARRATOR: And the first greedy old couple are Mr and Mrs Staybaker
of Paddington new town, Gloucestershire.
Well, I can't say how delighted I am to have you on the show
because I'm not. Uh, Staybaker, isn't it? That's a stupid name, isn't it?
Now, come on. Get on these marks. Stop it! Stop it!
Get on these marks. That's right, that's right, there.
Good, where I don't have to look at you.
- Now, how long have you been married? - Forty years.
Forty years. Forty years to that old bag? My God!
You're ugly woman! Ugly, ugly, ugly!
Still, I suppose he got what he deserves, yeurgh!
Come on audience, have a laugh and make them feel rejected.
- Come on! - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Right!
Right, now, you. How old are you?
Seventy-three, Nosmo.
Seventy three? Seventy-three? Well isn't that fantas...
- Call me sir! - Sir!
Seventy-three, good, good. Well, isn't that fantastic?
No it isn't, there's not a person here who looks a day under 95.
And now tell me sir, do you have any...
do you have a word of advice for the young people of today?
- Well I think the... - Who cares what you think?
You boring turnip-faced old fool!
Who cares what you think, huh?
I'm only asking these questions to fill in the time.
Now, tell me. Have you ever had an embarrassing moment?
Uh, not till now.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Don't be clever!
Don't get clever with me! We have ways of dealing with you afterwards, ha, ha, ha.
- Now, you're not nervous, are you? - Yes.
You are? Oh, good. We'll soon have you panic-stricken.
Ever feel the mind go blank?
Now what subject do you want to answer questions on?
- Dressmaking. - Dressmaking.
Right, start the clock. Dressmaking, right.
If 13 men take ten days to dig a ditch 37 by 45 and a half feet wide
how long would it take for 37 men to dig a ditch half the size?
Come on, come on! Do you understand the question?
- Uh, could you repeat it? - Repeat it?
Good God! They're deaf, as well. Come on, come on! Come on! Alright.
What I asked was, "Who was the substitute right back..."
"...of the Serbo-Croatian football eleven in the 1913 Olympics?"
Come on! Come on!
Even I know that! Come on!
Oh, my goodness me!
- Say "Jovanovic". - Jovanovic!
- What, what, what? - Jovanovic, Jovanovic!
- Jovanovic! - Wrong!
(HE LAUGHS CRAZILY)
Uh, never mind! Oh, I'm on form tonight!
Never mind, alright, I'll give it to you.
- Right, which number prize do you want? - We'd like to have prize number...
Come on! Come on! Make up your minds!
Make up your mind or I'll set the crossbow on you!
- Come on, come on, which number? - Number six!
Number six, right. Right, right, alright, you want number six.
You've chosen number six, have you? Are you sure you want number six?
- Well, I'm not sure. - Well, why d'you say so, then?
Get the bolt ready, Heinz.
Oh, it doesn't matter, doesn't matter...
Alright, I'll give you five pounds for number six.
- Five lovely pounds! - We'll take it.
More money than you've seen in your miserable lives.
- Yes, we want it! - Oh, look at him drool, look at him slather!
Oh, the avarice of it all!
- Alright, you've turned down five pounds. - No, we haven't.
I'll double your money and give you ten pounds.
- (THE COUPLE CLAMOUR) - Alright, alright.
- Fifty pounds! Right! - Yes.
- A thousand pounds. - Yes!
- Alright, twenty thousand pounds. - Yes, yes.
Twenty thousand beautiful, crisp green crinkly smackers.
Well, what shall I do, audience?
- AUDIENCE: Give 'em the money! - Shut up!
What do you know? Right, you're getting number six.
- Yeah, but they said... - Who cares what they said, number six it is.
Right now, you remember the... You've turned down £20,000.
- No we didn't! - You remember the prizes. Right!
There's the deluxe trip round the world for two.
The twin screw luxury motor yacht and this week's booby prize
a half-eaten ham sandwich.
- Laugh, audience! - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Right, now which one do you want?
Come on! Come on! Come on! - We'd like to have
the half-eaten ham sandwich.
See, we haven't eaten since the man brought us here
- and locked us up in the... - Yes, well we don't want to hear
this maudlin nonsense. Right!
Right, well bad news I'm afraid. Number six isn't the ham sandwich
AUDIENCE: Ah!
It is, in fact, the luxury yacht.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) - Oh, we haven't got one.
But I'm not going to give it to you. You wouldn't appreciate it.
I'm going to keep it because I haven't got one.
Quite, and now it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, never mind.
You haven't won the luxury yacht, but you can have a go in lucky dip 66.
Alright? Lucky dip 66.
- Right, I'll give you £60,000. - We'll take it, we'll take it!
- Alright, £30,000? Alright! - Yes, yes, yes!
- My last offer, one and four pence. - Yes!
Alright, you've turned it down, open 66.
Open lucky dip 66.
- Right, open lucky dip 66. - (ANIMAL ROARS)
- Good! - (ANIMAL ROARS)
Well, that's the end of another session of homely fun.
Thank you very much indeed ladies and gentlemen.
You've been a wonderful audience, bye!
- Heil! Sieg heil! - (HAMMOND ORGAN PLAYS)
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ)
(MUSIC: "PARK AVENUE BEAT", THE THEME TO "PERRY MASON", BY FRED STEINER)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Um... hello, Mr Briddock?
(HE STUTTERS): I'm sorry about the door.
Ah!
(CUPS CLATTER)
- (PILLAR THUDS) - And the cups.
- Uh, not at all. Sit down. - Thank you very much.
Mr, um?
Oh... Mr?
- Waring. - Waring. Got it.
- I'm sorry about the chair. - Oh, it's alright.
Now, you've come to see me about insuring your life?
- That's right, yes. - Good. Well, that's easy enough.
All I've got to know is whether you're a good life risk.
Or whether you're what is known as...
(CHAIR THUDS)
...accident prone.
- Yes. - I'm sorry about the other chair.
Oh, not at all. Not to matter.
You see, there's a lot of money at stake here.
So we do have to be careful...
(HE GASPS, THEN SIGHS IN RELIEF)
- Lucky. - To make sure...
we have to know how long our client is likely to live.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, I...
I'm so sorry, but I appear to have stabbed myself with the paper knife.
Oh, no. No, it's alright. It's just been caught in the jacket.
- Oh, good. Oh, fine. - How lucky.
Thank you, very much.
(CHAIR CRASHES)
Alright, Waring, I'll teach you to play around with my wife!
- (GUNSHOTS) - (WARING GRUNTS)
(HE GRUNTS)
- Are you... Are you alright, Mr Waring? - Yes, fine, thank you, yes.
Oh, good.
I usually do that and he lays off for a couple of days.
- Does he often do that? - Oh, yes, frequently.
Sometimes I think I must be terribly lucky.
(HE GRUNTS)
Ah, hello Miss Gomme.
Um, would you remind me please, quickly, is this office on the ground floor?
- Yes, sir. - Oh, good.
- Fine, you can go home now, Miss Gomme. - Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
- Raining again. - Oh.
Well, Mr Waring, I think we can waive the formalities
the medicals, family history, and so on.
- Oh, good. Thank you very much. - Yes, fine.
(TABLE CLATTERS)
There's just a question...
- Sorry about the table. - Oh, don't worry.
No, there's just a question of how much you'll have to pay each year.
Oh, yes. How much is that?
And I was thinking of a premium of £1,500.
- Oh, that's fine. - Is it?
- So, if you'd just sign here. - Certainly.
(HE YELPS)
- Very good, thank you very much. - Thank you very much.
Right, that covers me against almost anything, does it?
Oh, yes. Absolutely everything except of course, acts of God...
and also... uh...
death by flood, fire, earthquakes, uh, nuclear war...
- (ARROW WHIZZES) - (DRUMMING PLAYS)
...and, uh... Red Indians.
- (FANFARE PLAYS) - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(DRUM ROLL)
Good evening, I'm appealing to you again
on behalf of the "Make the Lovely Aimi MacDonald a Rich Lady" fund.
I'm afraid it's bad news.
We've had a very poor response so far.
Come on Great Britain, you can do better than that.
Do you realise that if each of you sends me just one pound
that'll be enough to keep me in luxury for hours!
So, don't be a meany.
Give generously to this deserving cause.
Next week I shall be reading out a list of all those who've not yet given.
Thank you, and good luck.
(APPLAUSE)
- Here, give us five bob. - No, um... no sorry.
- Come on, give me five bob. - Go away.
Five bob, five bob.
Certainly not, go away.
Go on, give me five bob.
Go away, you're a grotty little man and you ought to go away, ugh!
Alright, if you don't give me five bob, I shall take my clothes off.
- You'll what? - I shall take my clothes off.
Come on five bob, I can't say fairer than that.
Certainly not, go away.
Alright, that's the coat, then. Here's the coat. The coat's off then, ha ha.
- There, the coat. - I am not giving you five shillings!
It's a bargain mate.
- My standard fee's seven and six! - Please.
- People are beginning to... - There's the tie then, the tie's off.
- It's rather embarrassing... - Next we have the shirt.
- Off comes the shirt. - People are staring!
This man is not with me. I don't know who he is but he's nothing to do with me!
- Yes I am to do with him. - No, he's not to do with me!
- Yes I am. - No he isn't at all!
I'm his brother!
- Do not say that! - I'm his brother
and I'm taking all my clothes off!
Stop it! Stop it!
I shall be totally nude!
Alright, alright, here's five bob, then
- but clear off! - Oh no.
It's gone up now, 37 and 11.
Look everybody, his brother's taking his trousers off!
But I haven't got 37 and 11.
Alright, you haven't got 37 and 11? It's trouser time!
- Will you take a cheque? - A cheque?
- I've never seen you before in my life. - Please!
- Have you any identification? - Oh, this is absurd!
Right, look at the way he treats his brother!
The man who once saved him from the jaws of a crocodile.
- Oh, no, oh, no. - He's giving me money
to take my trousers off!
- No, I'm not, no! - Yes, he is!
- There! - This is all I've got!
That wouldn't even cover my overheads!
- No, here go the pants! - No! Here the pants don't go.
- It's the pants, then! - No, it isn't!
Let's have a roll on the drum for the pants.
Look, if you don't go away, I shall take my clothes off!
Off come the pants, then!
Here come the pants. What are you doing?
- Whatcha doing? - I'm giving you a taste
of your own medicine.
I'm a mild man, matey but when I'm roused there's hell to pay!
- (HE BLUSTERS) - Ah, so you can't take it, eh?
Ah, so you're yellow, are you?
Ah, look everybody, his brother is about to take his trousers off.
He's not my brother, he's not my brother. Stop it!
- He's not my brother. - No, you're a coward!
- Who's a coward? - You're a coward, ha, ha, ha!
Alright, chicken!
(HE CLUCKS)
Alright!
That's the way you want to play it, is it?
Yes, that's the way I want to play it!
Right, you've asked for this.
Go for your pants, big mouth.
- You make the first move, punk. - No, I'm calling you!
Don't push me greenhorn, just don't push me.
- I'm pushing you, skunk. - Right!
BOTH: It's the pants!
- It's the pants! - It's the pants!
It's the pants!
Do your pants!
(INDISTINCT ARGUING)
Alright, alright. What's going on here, then?
Uh, well it's rather difficult to explain suddenly.
- Is it? - Uh, yes.
This man, who is nothing to do with my brother, wants five bob.
Alright, alright, come on, I'm taking you in.
- No, we've done no harm. - Oh, haven't you?
Don't give me that I've been watching you, mate.
- Now, are you coming quietly? - BOTH: Um, no.
Alright, I'm asking you one more time, are you coming quietly?
No!
Right...
- It's the pants! - No it's not!
No, we'll come quietly, we'll come quietly!
(APPLAUSE)
What a noisy show.
Now for a moment of tranquillity.
When, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever on television
I'm going to perform Hamlet's immortal soliloquy
whilst executing a tap dance.
A one, two, three, four.
"To be or not to be, that is the question..."
"...whether tis nobler in the mind..."
"...to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune"
Oh, bodey, oh doh!
"Or by opposing, end them."
Kerchung, kerching, kerchung, kerching kerching, ching, ching.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Next week, King Lear.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(ORCHESTRA TUNES UP)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Excuse us.
Do you want a dram, hen?
My name's Angus.
- Oh. - You know...
- I like you. - Oh, how nice.
- Who are you for? England or Scotland? - What?
Who are you supporting?
I don't think I quite follow.
- Excuse me! - Who are you?
My name is Feldman.
- Oh, are you for England, then? - Yes.
Look, you do realise this is ballet, do you?
What do you think we're here for, you tatty bogle? The ice-cream?
(THEY LAUGH)
Come on the Scottish National Ballet!
(THEY SHOUT): Scottish National Ballet!
- Hooray! - (RATTLES CLICK)
CROWD: Shh!
Who do you think you're doing that to?
Do you want your face smashed in?
Don't you wave your programme at me, missus.
I'll stuff it down your throat, you old bag!
- Oh, we got a lot of geese here! - Please be quiet.
You say that once more and you're dead!
Look at them, our lot'll dance bloody rings around your lot.
You wait till you see Willy Fraser's entrechat.
- Fan-bloody-tastic! - Fantastic.
Fan-bloody-tastic, you watch.
(BALLET MUSIC STARTS)
- Quiet! Quiet everyone! - The music's starting.
- Quiet! - Quiet!
(CROWD SHUSHES)
Shut up! Shut your mouth!
- Is this your lot? - Yes, yes.
Terrible!
Call that ballet?
Boo!
Our lot will tear your lot, limb from limb!
- Get off! - Get off!
(THEY CHANT "OFF!")
(CROWD SHUSHES)
- Is that wee one Nureyev? - Yes, yes.
You're terrible, Nureyev!
Call that leaping? It's not even a bloody hop!
Go boil your head, Nureyev!
Here they come. Come on Scotland!
(THEY CHANT "SCOTLAND!")
- Hooray! - Hooray, come on, lads! Show 'em lads!
Show 'em a real pas de bloody deux!
Look, look everyone! Willy Fraser's going to do his entrechat!
- Look everyone, look! - Come on, Willy!
- Come on, come on, come on! - Come on!
Hooray!
Bloody great!
- Bloody great! - That's ballet!
All the way.
(THEY SING): # Oh, they've all gone quiet over there #
- Will you shut up? - You... You can keep quiet.
Otherwise you'll get a mouth full of headies!
Come on the English ballet!
We are the champions!
(THEY SING): # We are the champions #
England!
(INDISTINCT CHEERING AND CHANTING)
I hardly like to say this, but it's the first time I've ever enjoyed ballet!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)